I’m soon 63 and wonder if I’m out of options to have the life I want.
I certainly have more time behind me than before, and the time behind me wasn’t always spent very well.
But how could I know, for example, that marrying Calum and moving to an island off the Scottish coast wouldn’t be the perfect happy life? It seemed like a romantic dream come true at the time … and then, of course, came the Falklands, his wound, his drinking, and after 10 years of fighting for the dream, it ended.
Now I am with my Nianzhen, or Marcus as his English name is. And it is better. He has guided me in sifting through all those vague notions I had of the spiritual world before and recognizing truth from pure belief. It is certainly better than if I had been stuck on the Mormon farm of my childhood.
I also don’t need to think about the next paycheck anymore, his or mine. Or what to live from during retirement. In effect, I am already retired because I don’t need to teach anymore.
But what then?
I can’t prevent my husband from working himself to death—his biggest blind spot. And, despite all the spin he puts on it, that is what is happening. I have lived with one man who tried to explain away his addiction.
Aside from giving them money, I can’t do much to help my daughter, with her anxiety and her autistic son and all the rest. Like health insurance, apparently, there is a limit to how far healing and prayers go.
Perhaps it is their karma. But it would be easier if I lived closer by, like when Carrie had her first child. Then I could help them bear it all.
I don’t have any other family left or many friends. And some of those friends have begun to pass away, like Mary. One stroke. And in the next moment, she wasn’t there anymore.
What should I choose to focus on for the rest of my life? I feel time is running out and I have to make a decision soon.
I don’t want that much for myself anymore, and yet I can’t help thinking that I am missing something important I have to do in the time I have left.
But because there is that situation with my husband and my only daughter I can’t concentrate on what I need. For myself. I worry about them constantly. Even prayer to calm my mind doesn’t help.
I remember back in the early 80s when I had just had Carrie, or Caroline as we called her then.
Back on Skye.
While Calum was at work, I’d push her stroller along the winding roads near our first home on the island. The best roads were paved but I had to be careful of traffic, always looking over my shoulder, even though there weren’t many cars in that area.
I always made sure I never went further away than I was able to see the summit of Beinn na Caillich, near the house.
On that peak, a Norwegian Viking princess was buried so that the winds from her native land could pass over her final resting place. I think it was a legend, but there is a cairn up there, and I have seen it.
Skye used to belong to Norway, and many names are derived from old Norse.
It often rains in Scotland, and most mornings I saw a beautiful rainbow, rising over that very peak, where the princess had her last resting place.
In our world, you look for treasure at the end of the rainbow. Before Christianity, the heathen Vikings thought it was a bridge to Asgard, home of the gods, one of the many worlds they believed were beyond ours.
Carrie sent Nianzhen an article the other day, to use in one of his courses. It’s about science looking for other worlds, something called “ghost universes”.
I think it sounds rather shallow. I prefer the spiritual planes and angels, no matter what version they come in. I’d even take Asgard over some science mumbo jumbo about alternate universes we can’t go to anyway.
Sixty-goddamn-three. Where did my life go?
Maybe I have 20 more years left, but probably not all in good health.
I don’t need to think about rent, food or even love anymore, but now I am thinking of everyone else.
And is that it? What was I here to do that was uniquely me?
That wasn’t just about surviving or taking care of someone else.
I will find out what is at the end of the rainbow soon.
What should I do with my life as long as I’m only skirting the edge?
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DEBORAH, May 2016
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End of “Ghost Hearts” – part V
Next up: MARCUS CHEN
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Cover photo by Kelly Newton on Unsplash
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Thanks for reading! Feel free to share your thoughts, comments or experiences!
Comments
12 responses to “The Rainbow’s Edge”
I’m 50 next month and I know it isn’t much for some of you, but I feel like I’ve been thinking about this all my life until now, and never really found a satisfying answer. I was always swamped by events, so to speak. Before our special needs son, I struggled through unsatisfying jobs and then a prolonged period of illness. It is a long story.
But this little story is about those feelings, I guess, and how Deborah’s spirituality, like my own, doesn’t really help all the time. She has to find a way to make it more concrete, and, perhaps, also make some serious decisions. Maybe she should leave Marcus and move to Yuma to support her daughter? Or maybe she should take a trip around the world and leave all of them, if that is what she really feels she has to do, before there is no more time left?
There are no simple answers.
Bit of a heavy one, I’m afraid, but it’s a heavy day here. Have you made some decisions regarding the rest of your life recently? What have you been able to decide and what is already decided for you?
Take care,
Chris
I guess I’ve decided to let it unfold before me and just try everyday to make something beautiful, see the beauty in the people and places around me, love my husband, sons, and grandsons, and daughters in law, and enjoy the time that is so quiet now and finally, PAINT! lol
I think a lot about how to do all of that, too. Including to paint! 🙂 (Well, drawing for me – I wish I could paint … )
If you can draw you can paint. It takes time which most people have too little of. The fifth decade of my life was good, I became much more aware of the eternal and how the past, present, and future exist together, and are not really linear. It was a time of deep working out of things. Which feeds creativity. You’d love painting, I think. :0)
I have a dream that one day I can have the time and space to learn watercolors. Right now though with my son at home that’s not really possible. But it’s on my bucket list.😌
I know…I raised two sets of boys because my special son had children and his wife is special too…but maybe buy a set of water-color pens and doodle, it’s theraputic. Sometimes, we have to set ourselves aside but we need moments when we can come back to ourselves so that we don’t totally lose ourselves and wake up when the storm passes as ghosts. I’m glad you write.
My thoughts arrive mostly due to meditation. I used to be Mormon. I have autistic children, and was deserted to care for them on my own. But then, my autism puts everything in a “simple” perspective of either yes or no; once I decide, “that’s all she wrote,” as they say.
Doing some self-searching, long story with a short plot, I began meditating and have earned my certification in hypnotherapy, working towards a degree in clinical psychology.
The only advice I’ll offer, even though you haven’t asked, is every chance you get, you need to live and appreciate the moment you have right now. It’s surprisingly difficult, with so much planning required to live. But when you STOP—look at yourself now, and the ones you love right now, understand this moment will be gone in the blink of an eye. See? There it goes already! 😉
Thank you for a lovely comment, MJ. What a story you have yourself! If you don’t mind me asking, “used to be” sounds a lot like the background I imagine for Deborah. Why did you break with that faith? Because you were deserted with your children?
I am training everyday with regard to appreciating the moment. I don’t have much choice as I’m mostly at home taking care of my autistic son. Going traveling, career, even going out with my spouse and friends, all of that is pretty much gone for me. Maybe not in the blink of an eye, but more like fading into the mist. Or something …
Well, I hope that made a modicum of sense! 🙂 Thanks again, for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate that.
“Why did you break that faith?” is a bit tricky to explain. In fairytales, such as The Princess and the Frog or Cinderella, there’s that moment that our character’s ongoing struggles are magically whisked away in an instant. While my instant wasn’t very instantaneous at all, amnesia changed my personality, handling stress, and even my thinking abilities. I was a “star” in English studies, but could do nothing more than the simplest of addition and subtraction in mathematics. After the amnesia cleared up, two decades later, my mathematical thinking has improved and my English, unfortunately, has taken a hit.
I began reasoning differently and no longer taking people’s words for things, but paying attention, instead. Now, I observe matters much more quietly than I used to—understanding that silence holds a heavier key than speaking can most of the time.
Thank you for your words of kindness. And I hope you enjoyed your commercial break through my mind. 😇
“Commercial break … ” – I love that. Where can I order more?! 🙂
Anyway, thank you very much for sharing. I appreciate it a lot!
I think change through increased awareness is often overlooked. Most people never have Cinderella moments, they just grow, one moment at a time, and then suddenly they are changed. I’m glad, despite everything, you seem to have changed in a way that was closer to the real you. It should be like that for all of us!
The change wasn’t exactly overnight, to be clear. My memory was sucked away in an instantaneous manner, but mentally, in addition to having the sense of a four-year-old, my ability to relearn was unbelievably halted. I’ve worked PAINSTAKINGLY hard at recovering. But, a “clean slate” definitely cleared the way. 😂
Yes, you wrote that quite clearly. Sorry, if my answer wasn’t as clear.